It’s Just a Ride………*

I’ve been quiet on here for a year –  which has bothered me because I find this really theraputic and writing is something I really enjoy doing.  I made the mistake of doing an Open University access course, with a toddler, which I thought would be easy but was actually a lot of work.  I really enjoyed learning what I did and got really good marks in my essays afer convincing myself from my school days that they were something I wasn’t capable of doing.  I am awaiting the mark for my final essay and therefore my final grade.

I wrote my final essay in the midst of a break-up.  It should have happened at the beginning of our previous ‘break’ which resulted in a damaged front door and the police coming to speak to me at my mums but I was stupid and tried to work things out.  I wasn’t strong enough now but I am now.  I am now a single mum because the ‘normal’ in our home wasn’t normal and I didn’t want my son to ever think it was.  I realise I was stupid and should have ended it the moment I first had to speak to the police (who were amazing!!)  I should have realised that doubling my anti – D’s was a symptom of my situation and I could have stopped that but I didn’t.  I was stupid.  I will reduce my meds at some stage soon because I feel like a weights been lifted and I can do this.  My strength temporably went into hiding but hey, it’s back!

I always knew I wasn’t the person I was made to feel I was.  I now know what gaslighting is. I know know what it’s like to be abused online by people (person?) who knows nothing about the situation.

I have new goals.  They’re small but important to me

Short term

  • Remove his stuff from my house and get back to my home which I have paid a mortage on for 20 years.   5 years left – I’ve worked my ass off for this and I shouldn’t ever feel uncomfortable in my own home which I have done for several months
  • Reignite my confidence
  • Appreciate my worth and realise that, while I’m not perfect, I’m still a good person

Long term Goals

  • Reduce my meds
  • Ignore the negativity from people who know nothing

*A quote from the late, great Bill Hicks (Apart from Goat Boy, that sucked ………)

 

Peace and Love

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