Changes …….

I am now a single mum and feeling more ready to live than I have done in years.  I’m still living at mums but intend to move home within the next few weeks to start my new life with my amazing, and crazy, toddler.  I need to get someone to sort our garden before I venture back!!  They’re as tall as me and I’m kinda tall for a girl ………

My morgage statement came through a few weeks ago and I have 5 years left.  I’ve paid those 20 years on my own, from my account and my salary.  I have worked my ass off to make a good life for myself and, for the last 2 years, for my son.  I shoudn’t allow the things  that happened there recently to take over all the amazing times I’ve had in my home.  One person can’t take that away from me.

This situation is a first for me.  It’s the first time I’ve been a single mum and the first time I’ve been the one who ended it.  For the first time in a relationship I was scared.  Once I gave birth (well, C section cos I was high risk) it became my job (and pleasure) to bring up a good and kind person and, as I came to realise, not be a person who makes his partner walk on eggshells.  The night it ended Arlo had to witness his mum getting yelled at – he was terrified.  Thankfully he was in bed when his dad came home ……..

He’s picked him up twice and the other few times I’ve had to bring my boy to him and the time he’s spent hasn’t been alone but with me.  That’s not what I want.  I will never stop him from seeing his dad but I won’t make excuses when he’s older either.  I won’t bad mouth his dad.  I’ll tell him how he did nights for weeks after my section was was an amazing support.  It’s up to R how much he is part of his future life

It’s like a weights been lifted and I can be me again.  I know I’m never going back there and I did the second I felt frightened.  I have a very high tolerence for bull shit but once I hit that, I’m done!!  It bothers me how weak I was but I got there in the end.

I feel stronger than I have done in a long time.  I know it won’t be easy but it’ll be fine.  I’m now dealing with life as me and not a watered down and frightened version of me!!

Peace and love xx

 

 

It’s Just a Ride………*

I’ve been quiet on here for a year –  which has bothered me because I find this really theraputic and writing is something I really enjoy doing.  I made the mistake of doing an Open University access course, with a toddler, which I thought would be easy but was actually a lot of work.  I really enjoyed learning what I did and got really good marks in my essays afer convincing myself from my school days that they were something I wasn’t capable of doing.  I am awaiting the mark for my final essay and therefore my final grade.

I wrote my final essay in the midst of a break-up.  It should have happened at the beginning of our previous ‘break’ which resulted in a damaged front door and the police coming to speak to me at my mums but I was stupid and tried to work things out.  I wasn’t strong enough now but I am now.  I am now a single mum because the ‘normal’ in our home wasn’t normal and I didn’t want my son to ever think it was.  I realise I was stupid and should have ended it the moment I first had to speak to the police (who were amazing!!)  I should have realised that doubling my anti – D’s was a symptom of my situation and I could have stopped that but I didn’t.  I was stupid.  I will reduce my meds at some stage soon because I feel like a weights been lifted and I can do this.  My strength temporably went into hiding but hey, it’s back!

I always knew I wasn’t the person I was made to feel I was.  I now know what gaslighting is. I know know what it’s like to be abused online by people (person?) who knows nothing about the situation.

I have new goals.  They’re small but important to me

Short term

  • Remove his stuff from my house and get back to my home which I have paid a mortage on for 20 years.   5 years left – I’ve worked my ass off for this and I shouldn’t ever feel uncomfortable in my own home which I have done for several months
  • Reignite my confidence
  • Appreciate my worth and realise that, while I’m not perfect, I’m still a good person

Long term Goals

  • Reduce my meds
  • Ignore the negativity from people who know nothing

*A quote from the late, great Bill Hicks (Apart from Goat Boy, that sucked ………)

 

Peace and Love

A Typical Northern Irish Childhood

A conversation started in work the other day.  There were four of us, all from different areas, with different backgrounds and a slightly uneven mix of sexes but with two things in common.  We were all born between the early 70’s and early 80’s and grew up in Northern Ireland during The Troubles.  Three of us were born here and one moved over in childhood.

Many people in Northern Ireland were never touched by The Troubles but unfortunately our areas, Belfast and Lurgan, were.  People I know from other countries have said their local news reports made it look like a war zone and maybe it was but for us it was normal.  We were born into this and honestly, it never phased us.

As we reminisced and told our stories, from both a Protestant and Catholic perspective, we laughed.  Other people joined in and told their tales and we laughed some more.  Not because it’s funny but because our childhoods were surreal.  Standing at the top of the road watching a riot, your mum (and everyone else in the street) opening the door when there were gunshots (why, someone has a gun out there?), stepping over soldiers to go out to play, young guys practicing shooting rocket launchers in side streets and having to give a police statement when a car bomb went off on the way to school.  This is a mixture of all our stories.  Town centres were closed off at night to prevent bomb scares.  On day trips to Belfast the major shops had guards who checked your bags, scanned you with a metal detector and patted you down before you could enter.  When you were watching TV and a message flashed up on screen asking for the key holder of whichever shop to report to the premises we knew it was a firebomb.  My town centre got destroyed and I heard nothing.

The death toll and the ruined lives are frightening (www.wesleyjohnston.com).  My family have suffered loss but I was never brought up in a sectarian (a polite word for hatred) way and honestly, the majority of us weren’t.  Although we have the Good Friday Agreement we’ve never really had peace.  There’s always been an underlying ‘something’ and it seems like we’re always teetering on the edge.  Our politics is based on religion and not enough people are brave enough to step away – it’s how things are.  Children are still being brought up in hatred and so it continues.  All four of us have children ranging from adults to toddlers and we don’t want our kids to grow up like we did.  Not that our childhood was bad but it was definitely strange ……

This is not the type of stuff I normally write but for some reason I felt like a needed to

Peace (for the love of whoever the higher power is) and love xx

 

I can ….

I can still poem

I can still write

I can still feel
Emotions
And life
I can still be
More than I’ve been
I can still lift this fog from my life
I can still make
Something of this
I can be more
I can make the next leap
I can’t let this
Ruin my life
I can still stand
I can make things change
I can step up
I can be me

 

I have a cold ……

So as the title says, I have a cold.  In the grand scheme of issues it’s pretty minor but still, it’s miserable.  I’m rarely sick but when I am it tends to linger.  I’m forced to put on a brave face cos I took the piss (Northern Ireland ism for made fun of) my boyfriend for his recent bout of man flu drama.  He’s been on most of the mornings as his shifts have allowed this and believe me, I’m very grateful.  It’s also my first mum cold and I’m trying so hard not to pass it to my baby.  I know he’ll get it eventually but I really don’t want it to be from me!!
Tonight I’m having a beer.  I will probably suffer in the morning but for now it’s cool to feel human or as human as I can feel (but that’s how I rock!) …….  Tomorrow will be powered by a small lie in and much caffine.  I will get through this, not that I’m being dramatic or anything ………  🙂
Peace and Love

My never ending to do list …….

At this stage it’s getting intimidating when I look at it. It’s like getting too big a portion at a restaurant and you don’t know where to start – in my case I don’t even start. It’s been building for weeks – nah, probably months!!

I will fully admit I’m a kinda lazy procrastinating sorta girl and I wish I wasn’t. When I’m welded to the couch watching the latest drama unfold on Law and Order, NCIS or CSI (yep, I love crime shows and will watch any incarnation of the aforementioned series’), I feel like I’ve earned it!! So I write stuff down on the list of doom, things that would take less than a minute to do but no, I write it on a freaking list. I’ve been putting my earring in for so long the hole’s probably closed up!

When I’m entertaining baby Arlo I have a good excuse but he’s such a chilled wee man that I do have time to do most things when I think of them and probably score off a few of the things that take a bit longer.

A this stage it’s really bugging me so what do I do? So this is my plan – I do the small things when I think of them and tackle one bigger item from ‘the list’ per day. Any more will be a bonus but I’ll be chilled with one. Starting tomorrow of course …….

Peace and love

The Work Issue

It’s been a while!! My lively daytime Arlo is not loving the naps at the minute. I love it because he gets to see the world around him and he’s made so may friends in my coffee shop haunts. I really need to organise my time better – I’ve missed my wee blog posts!

My time off has made me realise one major thing – I don’t want to go back to my previous job when my maternity leave ends. I know I’m swerving into mummy blog territory here but it’s bound to happen the odd time! I work in a bank but I’m not very ‘banky’. I’ve been there 20 years come December so it’s really all I know. I’ve been in a back office centre for the last 14 years and in all honesty, as far as jobs go, it’s not that bad. I’ve always felt bad about working for a massive financial company but bills. Our office is very busy but pretty laid back. It gets too much sometimes though. We’re micro managed to within an inch of our lives – a system which doesn’t meld with the nature of the job but it won’t ever change. The thing is, I could probably keep on dealing with this and maybe drop a day cos they’re pretty good about stuff like that. My main problem is the commute. Even if I drive I need to leave at 7am and I won’t get home until at least 5.30pm. It seems cruel to wake baby Arlo at 6am and see him for an hour max when I get home. And what about his dentists and doctors appointments? I don’t want to miss the first crawl or the first steps!

This is in no way a criticism of the women who do this. I see ladies in work who have more than one child and way more stressful jobs than me absolutely rock it. They’re freaking superwomen! I’m just not very career minded and honestly I don’t think my mental health could withstand the lifestyle. I’m pretty sure my head would explode!

I do still want to work after my maternity – something part time that doesn’t leave me with a slight underlying feeling of dread before I go in. I had a look at some positions in the area last night and, although I still have a good few months on maternity I have a goof feeling about getting something when the time’s right. The only thing is, I have no idea what I’d like to do and never have but it’ll fall into place.

Now all I need is a redundancy from my existing job to get the mortgage out of my hair! I didn’t take up the last offer but what’s done is done so there’s no point dwelling on it. These things come up on a regular basis so I’m putting my faith in the universe to provide. I also have everyone I know either crossing their fingers or praying, wherever their beliefs lie ….. 🙂

Peace and love