One of the reasons I started this blog was to give myself an outlet. I really enjoy writing – it makes me feel better and gives me buzz. I’ve several notebooks of slightly dark poetry hanging about my house somewhere. If I ever find them I’ll probably post a few at some stage.
I’ve suffered from depression for 16 years and first received treatment 15 years ago because I’m stubborn. I’ve been on and off medication for 15 years (anti-depressants) during this time. I’m now on my longest run of about 5 years. My doctors surgery seem to have a policy of removing medication once things seem to be ok and although I’m doing great at the minute and have figured out established coping mechanisms, I know I never want to be anti-d free again.
One of my lowest points was my ‘time of no sleep’ as I like to call it. Over the course of 4 years I was getting a maximum of 2 hours sleep unless I added alcohol into the mix. Thankfully I realised that this couldn’t be a long term option and didn’t allow myself to go down myself to go down that route. During this spell I visited my doctor on several occasions, She thought I was l lying and shouted at me a few times. I eventually persuaded her to send me to CBT. An appointment came through for a counselling session at the local mental health centre but half way through he dismissed CBT and said I needed permanent medication. He agreed I didn’t have an ‘off switch’ and was in danger of becoming very ill (I do have a very hyper personality). I can barely pass myself with that doctor now ……
I love my mental quirks and have no wish to have them medicated out of me! I’m happy just to take enough to get some sleep and stop the blues from getting too dark. Yeah, I’m a bit weird but my friends appreciate that part of me. If people don’t like me – not my problem! My wee quirks allow me to keep my inner child alive, I get excited about the small things like meeting a friend for lunch, grabbing a coffee at my favourite joint or going to my local for a few and chatting with my fellow regulars. And yep, I spout the most random stuff at the oddest times and nobody knows what I’m talking about but it makes my mates smile.
Ya know what, I wouldn’t have me any other way!
Peace and love.
My dream early teenage job was to work in a record shop and still is I suppose. To be fair when this became my aim it was just at the end of the vinyl era (but way before the vinyl revival!) just as cassette tapes were becoming all the rage but soon to be replaced by CDs as the last mass marketed form of physical music. I still say record shop though ……
I always figured it wouldn’t really seem like a job. I’d be spending my day listening to music I love and getting to hear music I’d never heard before. All us staff members would spend our days chatting about music we like and the work nights out would be live music heaven. Customers would come in and I could subtly point them in the right direction in, in my opinion, they had dodgy music taste. So maybe I love High Fidelity and Empire Records a bit too much but even before these 2 classics I still imagined it would be like that.
Unfortunately this seems very unlikely in today’s times. My town has no specific shops for to bay music in and neither has our closest shopping centre. The only choices are a couple of large supermarket chains who sell top 40 CDs. When the local independent sores were still around I resented large music retailers like HMV and Virgin. Before too long these were the only stores left and I was pretty devastated when my local HMV store closed and left me with no music retailers less than 25 miles away. I briefly found a semi-independant I loved (again, 25 miles away) but over the years and several premises moves it’s now managed to completely lose it’s charm.
I know in this internet age everything music wise can be bought online or downloaded instantly to your PC. This and streaming are definitely the preferred methods today but the physical copy always wins in my case. For me , nothing beats spending a stray hour ambling around a shop full of music. Maybe making a mental purchase list and, best of all, spotting something random that catches your eye, buying on a whim and finding a gem!
Peace and love.
For me nothing breaks up the day like a large latte in a chilled coffee shop, a day enclosed within the 4 walls. I know I could be cleaning or doing something productive at home but honestly, I’m not the sort of person who gets pleasure from that! I know it’s not for everyone and according to all the money saving professionals I could be saving £££’s by constructing my own caffeinated beverage and during times of maternity pay those £££’s matter but at what cost? My sanity trumps cash any day of the week!
So every afternoon me and Arlo (and sometimes the boyfriend) get ourselves ready and make that trek up the town. All the cars parked on the pavement stopping me getting the pram past give me thoughts of having a stiffer drink (sorry, it’s a personal gripe!) but a baby in a bar that doesn’t serve food is generally frowned upon so coffee it is!
Over the course of (too?) many years I’ve refined my list of preferences. Here goes ….
– It must be independent. Although it’s not always possible to apply this to everything in life, I do it where I can and with sit down beverage drinking it’s mostly possible.
– The staff need to be nice. It’s always good to be treated to a friendly face and have the staff fing out your name and know your regular order. On a side note – ideally it’s good to eventually become Facebook friends with some of the staff and even better to become drinking buddies but I know that’s a rarity!
– The coffee has to be good. I’m a latte girl. Boring I know but hey, such is life. I throw in the odd americano but only if I’m feeling brave …… Everyone who works there needs to make a decent cup – coffee roulette ain’t my game!
– There’s gotta be some comfy seats. You might not always get one but it’s nice when you do.
– It needs that special something. Whether it’s mismatched furniture, cool pictures on the wall or innovative décor. These are my things but each to their own!
– And my newest addition to the wish list is baby and pram friendly!
I’m lucky enough to have 2 of these in my small town so if you’re ever in Lurgan, Northern Ireland, 54.4635N 6.33346W (though I can’t imagine why!) you should definitely check out Love Coffee and Icons Coffee House Tell them I sent ya!
Peace and love.
(Apologies in advance – I found an old poetry book and felt the need!)
That ‘great’ unwritten rule book
The one that dictates what we do
Who we are
What we wear
Depending on the decade of life
We are stumbling through
The one that stops us from embracing
And makes us think too much about
A future which may never come
The one that hinders so many people
From living their own life
And being the best they can be
All because they follow the rules
Of how they ‘should be’
Those rule followers
Who look down on those of us
Who have chosen to ignore the constraints
Who dress, do and feel
How we want
Not how society expects
Or thinks we should
The girl who drinks alone in the bar
The people who get tattoos with meaning
The people who embrace their true selves
And don’t blindly follow trends
Those of us who have managed
To live as the free thinking minority
Despite the pressure surrounding us.
I hate to admit it but it’s true. It does my head in (Northern Irish speak – annoys me) when my boyfriend spends 10 mins sharing pictures of our lunch so I bitch and complain but spend half of our cafe time mindlessly scrolling through facebook at things I don’t even care about. It pisses me off when I’m with friends and they’re paying more attention to the ‘online person’ than the actual ‘physical person’ sitting there in front of them and again, I do the same thing to other people. The local bar looses part of it’s charm when half the table are neck deep in their portable online world.
My idealistic self would love to go back to the days of the basic dumb phone (not the house phone – I never answer that cos well, I don’t know who’s at the other end and screw that!) The days when I contactable but not always ‘on call’ when you didn’t see emails until you got home and random beeps weren’t plaguing your entire day. Those damn things knock the mindful right outta ya! But honestly, I’m a bit far gone for that now plus I do love the always in your bag camera thing 🙂
So how can I sort this? Am I ready to give up my breakfast game of BubbleWitch or my Instagram snapshots? Nah 🙂 But maybe I could turn off the notifications, have designated phone checking time and make sure the person I’m speaking to is my main focus. It’s not much but it’s something I suppose. I’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna be tough (I sound so dramatic …..) but something’s gotta be done before I short circuit and explode to the tune of my ringtone ……
Peace and Love
So yep, I joined a gym! I’ve been meaning to for years but my excuses list was ridicules.
– I had no time – now I do (maternity leave)
– I can’t afford it – no travel costs for a bit
– Big muscle bound men would intimidate me – a ladies only gym opened 5 minutes down the road
So no more excuses!!
I used to go, maybe 17 years ago and, in my memory, I liked it but still, it’s scary. I’ve always considered exercise to be a pretty good anti-depressant and more time means more opportunity for irrational thinking so something had to be done. I need to add that I have a very supportive boyfriend and a very chilled baby – not everyone is this lucky. I count my first visit as a write off cos scared shitless but the 2nd, I think this might work.
Will I ever be a gym bunny? Nah, more like the scary bunny from Donnie Darko but hey, at least I’m trying 🙂 Baby steps!
Peace and Love
Well, I suppose I should introduce myself! I’m Kathy and, at the time of writing this I’m 40 years old. I’ve just had a baby boy, Arlo. I promise this won’t be a mum blog though I’m sure it’ll be mentioned.
So thats the outside stuff – what about the rest? That’s a tough one 🙂 A music loving 90’s grunge throwback would be a good place to start and I still have the 25 year old DM’S to prove it although I think they only have one more winter left in them – they don’t make em like they used to! I’m a reader, and (over?) thinker and a mental health warrior. Pretty sure all these things into my future posts plus whatever else pops into my head!
I don’t know if anyone will ever read this or any of my future posts but hopefully someone will. If not, at least they’ll clear a wee space in my head!
Peace and Love