I’ve been quiet on here for a year – which has bothered me because I find this really theraputic and writing is something I really enjoy doing. I made the mistake of doing an Open University access course, with a toddler, which I thought would be easy but was actually a lot of work. I really enjoyed learning what I did and got really good marks in my essays afer convincing myself from my school days that they were something I wasn’t capable of doing. I am awaiting the mark for my final essay and therefore my final grade.
I wrote my final essay in the midst of a break-up. It should have happened at the beginning of our previous ‘break’ which resulted in a damaged front door and the police coming to speak to me at my mums but I was stupid and tried to work things out. I wasn’t strong enough now but I am now. I am now a single mum because the ‘normal’ in our home wasn’t normal and I didn’t want my son to ever think it was. I realise I was stupid and should have ended it the moment I first had to speak to the police (who were amazing!!) I should have realised that doubling my anti – D’s was a symptom of my situation and I could have stopped that but I didn’t. I was stupid. I will reduce my meds at some stage soon because I feel like a weights been lifted and I can do this. My strength temporably went into hiding but hey, it’s back!
I always knew I wasn’t the person I was made to feel I was. I now know what gaslighting is. I know know what it’s like to be abused online by people (person?) who knows nothing about the situation.
I have new goals. They’re small but important to me
- Remove his stuff from my house and get back to my home which I have paid a mortage on for 20 years. 5 years left – I’ve worked my ass off for this and I shouldn’t ever feel uncomfortable in my own home which I have done for several months
- Reignite my confidence
- Appreciate my worth and realise that, while I’m not perfect, I’m still a good person
Long term Goals
- Reduce my meds
- Ignore the negativity from people who know nothing
*A quote from the late, great Bill Hicks (Apart from Goat Boy, that sucked ………)
Peace and Love