It’s Just a Ride………*

I’ve been quiet on here for a year –  which has bothered me because I find this really theraputic and writing is something I really enjoy doing.  I made the mistake of doing an Open University access course, with a toddler, which I thought would be easy but was actually a lot of work.  I really enjoyed learning what I did and got really good marks in my essays afer convincing myself from my school days that they were something I wasn’t capable of doing.  I am awaiting the mark for my final essay and therefore my final grade.

I wrote my final essay in the midst of a break-up.  It should have happened at the beginning of our previous ‘break’ which resulted in a damaged front door and the police coming to speak to me at my mums but I was stupid and tried to work things out.  I wasn’t strong enough now but I am now.  I am now a single mum because the ‘normal’ in our home wasn’t normal and I didn’t want my son to ever think it was.  I realise I was stupid and should have ended it the moment I first had to speak to the police (who were amazing!!)  I should have realised that doubling my anti – D’s was a symptom of my situation and I could have stopped that but I didn’t.  I was stupid.  I will reduce my meds at some stage soon because I feel like a weights been lifted and I can do this.  My strength temporably went into hiding but hey, it’s back!

I always knew I wasn’t the person I was made to feel I was.  I now know what gaslighting is. I know know what it’s like to be abused online by people (person?) who knows nothing about the situation.

I have new goals.  They’re small but important to me

Short term

  • Remove his stuff from my house and get back to my home which I have paid a mortage on for 20 years.   5 years left – I’ve worked my ass off for this and I shouldn’t ever feel uncomfortable in my own home which I have done for several months
  • Reignite my confidence
  • Appreciate my worth and realise that, while I’m not perfect, I’m still a good person

Long term Goals

  • Reduce my meds
  • Ignore the negativity from people who know nothing

*A quote from the late, great Bill Hicks (Apart from Goat Boy, that sucked ………)

 

Peace and Love

I can ….

I can still poem

I can still write

I can still feel
Emotions
And life
I can still be
More than I’ve been
I can still lift this fog from my life
I can still make
Something of this
I can be more
I can make the next leap
I can’t let this
Ruin my life
I can still stand
I can make things change
I can step up
I can be me

 

Quotes Part 1

“Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.” (Unknown – according to my source!)

I have a bit of a thing for quotes.  I think Facebook may have been the instigator but who knows?

I’ve started with this one because it struck a chord at a time when i needed it.  In my reasonably distant past I enjoyed a smoke of the stuff requiring a roach.  I purchased a random pack in one of my favourite hippy assed shops which just happened to have quotes and this was the first one in the book.  I was in the throes of my very first incidence of my mental quirkiness and it gave me a flash of clarity.  It made me appreciate who I am at a time I needed in most.  It’s been a constant on my social media favourite quotes since that day!!

This insignificant quote has crossed my mind when my best romantic relationship and friendships have been established.  The universe works in mysterious ways and this random instance has shaped my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

Peace and love x

I love my mental quirks ….

One of the reasons I started this blog was to give myself an outlet. I really enjoy writing – it makes me feel better and gives me buzz. I’ve several notebooks of slightly dark poetry hanging about my house somewhere. If I ever find them I’ll probably post a few at some stage.

I’ve suffered from depression for 16 years and first received treatment 15 years ago because I’m stubborn. I’ve been on and off medication for 15 years (anti-depressants) during this time. I’m now on my longest run of about 5 years. My doctors surgery seem to have a policy of removing medication once things seem to be ok and although I’m doing great at the minute and have figured out established coping mechanisms, I know I never want to be anti-d free again.

One of my lowest points was my ‘time of no sleep’ as I like to call it. Over the course of 4 years I was getting a maximum of 2 hours sleep unless I added alcohol into the mix. Thankfully I realised that this couldn’t be a long term option and didn’t allow myself to go down myself to go down that route. During this spell I visited my doctor on several occasions, She thought I was l lying and shouted at me a few times. I eventually persuaded her to send me to CBT. An appointment came through for a counselling session at the local mental health centre but half way through he dismissed CBT and said I needed permanent medication. He agreed I didn’t have an ‘off switch’ and was in danger of becoming very ill (I do have a very hyper personality). I can barely pass myself with that doctor now ……

I love my mental quirks and have no wish to have them medicated out of me! I’m happy just to take enough to get some sleep and stop the blues from getting too dark. Yeah, I’m a bit weird but my friends appreciate that part of me. If people don’t like me – not my problem! My wee quirks allow me to keep my inner child alive, I get excited about the small things like meeting a friend for lunch, grabbing a coffee at my favourite joint or going to my local for a few and chatting with my fellow regulars. And yep, I spout the most random stuff at the oddest times and nobody knows what I’m talking about but it makes my mates smile.

Ya know what, I wouldn’t have me any other way!

Peace and love.