I am now a single mum and feeling more ready to live than I have done in years. I’m still living at mums but intend to move home within the next few weeks to start my new life with my amazing, and crazy, toddler. I need to get someone to sort our garden before I venture back!! They’re as tall as me and I’m kinda tall for a girl ………
My morgage statement came through a few weeks ago and I have 5 years left. I’ve paid those 20 years on my own, from my account and my salary. I have worked my ass off to make a good life for myself and, for the last 2 years, for my son. I shoudn’t allow the things that happened there recently to take over all the amazing times I’ve had in my home. One person can’t take that away from me.
This situation is a first for me. It’s the first time I’ve been a single mum and the first time I’ve been the one who ended it. For the first time in a relationship I was scared. Once I gave birth (well, C section cos I was high risk) it became my job (and pleasure) to bring up a good and kind person and, as I came to realise, not be a person who makes his partner walk on eggshells. The night it ended Arlo had to witness his mum getting yelled at – he was terrified. Thankfully he was in bed when his dad came home ……..
He’s picked him up twice and the other few times I’ve had to bring my boy to him and the time he’s spent hasn’t been alone but with me. That’s not what I want. I will never stop him from seeing his dad but I won’t make excuses when he’s older either. I won’t bad mouth his dad. I’ll tell him how he did nights for weeks after my section was was an amazing support. It’s up to R how much he is part of his future life
It’s like a weights been lifted and I can be me again. I know I’m never going back there and I did the second I felt frightened. I have a very high tolerence for bull shit but once I hit that, I’m done!! It bothers me how weak I was but I got there in the end.
I feel stronger than I have done in a long time. I know it won’t be easy but it’ll be fine. I’m now dealing with life as me and not a watered down and frightened version of me!!
Peace and love xx
I can still poem
I can still write
I can still feel
I can still be
More than I’ve been
I can still lift this fog from my life
I can still make
Something of this
I can be more
I can make the next leap
I can’t let this
Ruin my life
I can still stand
I can make things change
I can step up
I can be me
So as the title says, I have a cold. In the grand scheme of issues it’s pretty minor but still, it’s miserable. I’m rarely sick but when I am it tends to linger. I’m forced to put on a brave face cos I took the piss (Northern Ireland ism for made fun of) my boyfriend for his recent bout of man flu drama. He’s been on most of the mornings as his shifts have allowed this and believe me, I’m very grateful. It’s also my first mum cold and I’m trying so hard not to pass it to my baby. I know he’ll get it eventually but I really don’t want it to be from me!!
Tonight I’m having a beer. I will probably suffer in the morning but for now it’s cool to feel human or as human as I can feel (but that’s how I rock!) ……. Tomorrow will be powered by a small lie in and much caffine. I will get through this, not that I’m being dramatic or anything ……… 🙂
Peace and Love
At this stage it’s getting intimidating when I look at it. It’s like getting too big a portion at a restaurant and you don’t know where to start – in my case I don’t even start. It’s been building for weeks – nah, probably months!!
I will fully admit I’m a kinda lazy procrastinating sorta girl and I wish I wasn’t. When I’m welded to the couch watching the latest drama unfold on Law and Order, NCIS or CSI (yep, I love crime shows and will watch any incarnation of the aforementioned series’), I feel like I’ve earned it!! So I write stuff down on the list of doom, things that would take less than a minute to do but no, I write it on a freaking list. I’ve been putting my earring in for so long the hole’s probably closed up!
When I’m entertaining baby Arlo I have a good excuse but he’s such a chilled wee man that I do have time to do most things when I think of them and probably score off a few of the things that take a bit longer.
A this stage it’s really bugging me so what do I do? So this is my plan – I do the small things when I think of them and tackle one bigger item from ‘the list’ per day. Any more will be a bonus but I’ll be chilled with one. Starting tomorrow of course …….
Peace and love
It’s been a while!! My lively daytime Arlo is not loving the naps at the minute. I love it because he gets to see the world around him and he’s made so may friends in my coffee shop haunts. I really need to organise my time better – I’ve missed my wee blog posts!
My time off has made me realise one major thing – I don’t want to go back to my previous job when my maternity leave ends. I know I’m swerving into mummy blog territory here but it’s bound to happen the odd time! I work in a bank but I’m not very ‘banky’. I’ve been there 20 years come December so it’s really all I know. I’ve been in a back office centre for the last 14 years and in all honesty, as far as jobs go, it’s not that bad. I’ve always felt bad about working for a massive financial company but bills. Our office is very busy but pretty laid back. It gets too much sometimes though. We’re micro managed to within an inch of our lives – a system which doesn’t meld with the nature of the job but it won’t ever change. The thing is, I could probably keep on dealing with this and maybe drop a day cos they’re pretty good about stuff like that. My main problem is the commute. Even if I drive I need to leave at 7am and I won’t get home until at least 5.30pm. It seems cruel to wake baby Arlo at 6am and see him for an hour max when I get home. And what about his dentists and doctors appointments? I don’t want to miss the first crawl or the first steps!
This is in no way a criticism of the women who do this. I see ladies in work who have more than one child and way more stressful jobs than me absolutely rock it. They’re freaking superwomen! I’m just not very career minded and honestly I don’t think my mental health could withstand the lifestyle. I’m pretty sure my head would explode!
I do still want to work after my maternity – something part time that doesn’t leave me with a slight underlying feeling of dread before I go in. I had a look at some positions in the area last night and, although I still have a good few months on maternity I have a goof feeling about getting something when the time’s right. The only thing is, I have no idea what I’d like to do and never have but it’ll fall into place.
Now all I need is a redundancy from my existing job to get the mortgage out of my hair! I didn’t take up the last offer but what’s done is done so there’s no point dwelling on it. These things come up on a regular basis so I’m putting my faith in the universe to provide. I also have everyone I know either crossing their fingers or praying, wherever their beliefs lie ….. 🙂
Peace and love
I hate to admit it but it’s true. It does my head in (Northern Irish speak – annoys me) when my boyfriend spends 10 mins sharing pictures of our lunch so I bitch and complain but spend half of our cafe time mindlessly scrolling through facebook at things I don’t even care about. It pisses me off when I’m with friends and they’re paying more attention to the ‘online person’ than the actual ‘physical person’ sitting there in front of them and again, I do the same thing to other people. The local bar looses part of it’s charm when half the table are neck deep in their portable online world.
My idealistic self would love to go back to the days of the basic dumb phone (not the house phone – I never answer that cos well, I don’t know who’s at the other end and screw that!) The days when I contactable but not always ‘on call’ when you didn’t see emails until you got home and random beeps weren’t plaguing your entire day. Those damn things knock the mindful right outta ya! But honestly, I’m a bit far gone for that now plus I do love the always in your bag camera thing 🙂
So how can I sort this? Am I ready to give up my breakfast game of BubbleWitch or my Instagram snapshots? Nah 🙂 But maybe I could turn off the notifications, have designated phone checking time and make sure the person I’m speaking to is my main focus. It’s not much but it’s something I suppose. I’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna be tough (I sound so dramatic …..) but something’s gotta be done before I short circuit and explode to the tune of my ringtone ……
Peace and Love
So yep, I joined a gym! I’ve been meaning to for years but my excuses list was ridicules.
– I had no time – now I do (maternity leave)
– I can’t afford it – no travel costs for a bit
– Big muscle bound men would intimidate me – a ladies only gym opened 5 minutes down the road
So no more excuses!!
I used to go, maybe 17 years ago and, in my memory, I liked it but still, it’s scary. I’ve always considered exercise to be a pretty good anti-depressant and more time means more opportunity for irrational thinking so something had to be done. I need to add that I have a very supportive boyfriend and a very chilled baby – not everyone is this lucky. I count my first visit as a write off cos scared shitless but the 2nd, I think this might work.
Will I ever be a gym bunny? Nah, more like the scary bunny from Donnie Darko but hey, at least I’m trying 🙂 Baby steps!
Peace and Love