Changes …….

I am now a single mum and feeling more ready to live than I have done in years.  I’m still living at mums but intend to move home within the next few weeks to start my new life with my amazing, and crazy, toddler.  I need to get someone to sort our garden before I venture back!!  They’re as tall as me and I’m kinda tall for a girl ………

My morgage statement came through a few weeks ago and I have 5 years left.  I’ve paid those 20 years on my own, from my account and my salary.  I have worked my ass off to make a good life for myself and, for the last 2 years, for my son.  I shoudn’t allow the things  that happened there recently to take over all the amazing times I’ve had in my home.  One person can’t take that away from me.

This situation is a first for me.  It’s the first time I’ve been a single mum and the first time I’ve been the one who ended it.  For the first time in a relationship I was scared.  Once I gave birth (well, C section cos I was high risk) it became my job (and pleasure) to bring up a good and kind person and, as I came to realise, not be a person who makes his partner walk on eggshells.  The night it ended Arlo had to witness his mum getting yelled at – he was terrified.  Thankfully he was in bed when his dad came home ……..

He’s picked him up twice and the other few times I’ve had to bring my boy to him and the time he’s spent hasn’t been alone but with me.  That’s not what I want.  I will never stop him from seeing his dad but I won’t make excuses when he’s older either.  I won’t bad mouth his dad.  I’ll tell him how he did nights for weeks after my section was was an amazing support.  It’s up to R how much he is part of his future life

It’s like a weights been lifted and I can be me again.  I know I’m never going back there and I did the second I felt frightened.  I have a very high tolerence for bull shit but once I hit that, I’m done!!  It bothers me how weak I was but I got there in the end.

I feel stronger than I have done in a long time.  I know it won’t be easy but it’ll be fine.  I’m now dealing with life as me and not a watered down and frightened version of me!!

Peace and love xx